What is wrong with men today? — Reflections on Jordan Peterson

I have been recently engaging with the videos of Jordan Peterson and have given a lot of thought to the ideas he puts forward. Particularly the source of the current crisis of masculinity that we see in society. JP believes that it is a lack of responsibility that makes young men loose direction in life. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t think he’s wrong. Not exactly…

Full disclaimer here. I used to dislike Jordan Peterson to epic proportions. I also find his discourse as an intellectual somewhat dishonest. I mean that in the sense that he is well aware he is promoting a conservative agenda, but he often cites his credentials as a scientist for the claims he makes. I would prefer that he would come out and say that yes, his values are conservative and there is nothing wrong with being proud of the things you believe in. That is probably the thing I like about him the least.

But I was moved by his plight after finding out how much he has wrestled with his own demons lately. In case you were not aware, Peterson struggled with depression and drug addiction. And I struggled with seeing him as a monster who won’t discard his Incel followers. But reading his story has made me a lot more soft towards him. Especially because he has been open about his problems and I believe people should stop hiding their struggles. Especially famous people who can almost seem superhuman to the rest of us folx.

However what made me want to engage with mister Peterson’s ideas was not seeing his humanity. It was actually a wonderful video from ContraPoints about JP. She states that very few people have engaged with the ideas of Peterson, preferring instead to mock him, combat his public appearances and attack him personally. It is something that I had observed myself. So I decided to look at some of JP’s ideas myself and see how much weight they hold.

I skipped over the slew of “Watch JP destroy this feminist” on YouTube and went instead for some of his lectures. And found him to certainly be charismatic, engaging and interesting. It was this video in particular that gave me food for thought.

“For men there is nothing but responsibility”

In this particular video, Peterson talks about the importance of responsibility for men. He remarks that in today’s society we talk quite a bit about rights, but not nearly enough about responsibility. And he explains that for men, who are less agreeable than women, being left without responsibility means leading a rudderless life. And worse even, not being praised for taking responsibility, by being told that “all men” is cataclysmic. It makes them want to hang up their member of society badge and tell everyone to fuck right off.

And, yes, Peterson is not wrong. We have all observed men tend to be a lot more confrontational. Now we could spend an eternity here, discussing whether it’s nature or nurture, but it would be pointless. At least in my opinion. The truth of the matter is that they easily adopt rebellious attitudes and in today’s society they seem to be more unsure of which way to turn.

It might be true that the good old days were much better for men. If they crave responsibility and this is what is lacking in their lives, then the classic model of 50s life might be the answer for them. You know it, the rather un-swinging suburbia lifestyle 50s. Then it was acceptable for men to have a time for fooling around, but eventually they were expected to settle down, at a rather young age. And then they had kids, worked and yes, had a lot of responsibility. We could debate how healthy or desirable that was for them, but they did seem to be doing quite ok.

So where did it all go wrong for men? How come in today’s society many of them seem lost, angry and paralysed. Many are unable to fit in. What is up with that? I, as usual, turn to my favourite explanation: men and their emotions.

It’s kinda hard to innovate manliness without emotions

Now I know you’re probably looking at the screen going: “Wait, Kitty, wait. Emotions? What do they have to do with this?”. Bare with me for a moment.

The good old days presented us with benefits and downsides. For men, the benefits were definitely a clear path. You didn’t have to think about what you wanted and make choices. Society made choices for you. And that can be quite comfortable. Especially if you are not particularly well trained at making choices and innovating. The problems with the good old days were many, especially around people who did not fit into the mainstream expectations (like if you were gay, a POC, didn’t want kids or didn’t particularly like suburbia).

Nowadays, the 50s are gone. And what a considerable improvement to us pansexual, queer, non-fitting in folx! Society everywhere is forging new paths. And not just a few, but many! It is clearly moving away from rigid gender norms and that pesky post-modernism has us questioning the definitions of everything. And I do believe that in this new context men are extremely vulnerable.

And they are not vulnerable because they are delicate little snowflakes who cry at romcoms, as your elders would have you believe. They are vulnerable because they do not know how to change and adapt.

Society taught men to be very, very good at following rules and doing what they are supposed to do. This is where I fully agree with JP. Ever since they are small, boys are put into very strict boxes and are given a strict set of rules. Basically the only playgrounds they have out of those very strict rules are sex and aggression (ideally an aggression manifested in competitiveness). But this model is clearly not well suited to today’s society anymore.

The rest of us redefine like bosses

Most of us are moving on. We are finding new definitions of ourselves, new names for what we are and questioning what we should be doing with our loves. The dashing guy who can pay for drinks and open your car door is slowly but surely becoming less desirable. And men can feel it. The rules they have followed all of their lives are being thrown out the door.

Now, keep in mind that the rules are being thrown out for everyone else as well, but everyone else is better trained emotionally to deal with it. Emotions allow for options and for creating something that was not there before. Emotions allow each and every one of us to pick and choose what we want ME to look like.

I can choose to be a butch lady or a femme, I could be a stay at home mom or a rebellious aunt with no kids, a biker lady or an uptight CFO. I can mix and match based on preference and preference is driven directly by emotion. Think of how many ways we have found “to do” femaleness or gayness or trans-ness or anything is between. There is a stunning array of possibility and we continue to add, subtract and debate over all of them. You should know this by now, from the war-cries of the conservatives over “so-many-new-words-how-do-we-even-deal”.

What about the men?

But what about men? How do they access their own preferences? How can they possibly decide what male-ness should look like in the future? Unfortunately they seemed very trapped between a shame of what has been: the dude cat-calling women on the street and a terror of the future: I have no idea what I am supposed to be.

So yes, guidance by Jordan Peterson about responsibility seems very appealing. Because responsibility implies a fixed set of rules. Like the 12 rules for life that JP has written about. And I have been thinking more and more that this might actually be a good answer for men. They might need, as a transitional step, a few ready made recipes of manliness, before they can become more connected to their emotionality and start making choices.

What I feel I can do is to have a bit more empathy. It is quite confusing to see a world changing where you no longer know how to fit in. Especially if you fit in just fine until just a moment ago where everything about you was clear and embraced. And it is even harder to fall from grace and loose security you once had. So I choose more empathy, even though I have a lot of anger. I choose to see the other’s perspective even if I know how difficult it is for them to see mine. And I can make these choices because, yes, I am a damn emotional (queer) woman.