The Single Most Important Idea That Helped Me Understand Society

It was at the very beginning of my kink journey that I stumbled upon a post that explained society in a way that made so many pieces of information fall into place. Not just about people around me, but also the family I grew up in and some major differences between me and my life partner at the time. Prepare to be amazed by the difference between Ask Culture and Guess Culture.

The idea has been circulating for more than 10 years on the Internet, but I still remember how relieved and inspired I felt when I first read it. But it was also one of the most terrible things that ever happened to me. There I was, one lovely afternoon, scrolling through the writings of some lovely folx on the kinky Facebook of the Internet. All was good in the world and then I read a post. What a post! It explained that people come out of two fundamentally different cultures. The reason why we often find each other absurd and intolerable can be found in the difference between these two cultures.

Let me tell you right now that that was a brilliant piece of writing. It must have lived rent free and moved all the furniture in my head for weeks! It explained so many things! I was on cloud nine of self discovery and understanding those around me. I love those moments.

And then I lost the article. Yeah, you read that right. You see, this was happening in an era before I obsessively started organising all of my written notes and reviews in an obscenely long list on Evernote. To this day I am convinced that that article hides somewhere in some damn cloud, but I could not find it to save my life. So you can imagine my frustration every single time I told a person that I had discovered this brilliant idea. Inevitably they would ask for the link. Inevitably I would feel stabbed right into my obsessive compulsive organised heart who managed to lose one of the very few articles she had wanted to keep at all costs.

Along comes Christmas last year and, to my shock and complete delight, this other guy posts, one the same social media for kinksters about the same topic and actually gives the link to the original post!!! Holy mother of writing blog posts! I was in seventh heaven.

Ask Culture vs Guess Culture

So, now that I have shared the tumultuous story of this idea with you, let me tell what the damn thing is. Basically the premise of the post is that we are pretty much separated into two cultures. All of us Homo Sapiens roaming the Earth.

One of these cultures is Ask Culture. In Ask Culture the main star is honesty. You are encouraged and expected to say what you want. But you also get a crash course in getting a lot of “no”. Cause, duh, you ask for a lot of things, but a lot of those will conflict with the needs and wants of others. It can get emotionally painful because we are not big fans of being frustrated, but it comes with the nice prize of openness and directness.

In Guess Culture the central character is politeness. You do not want to offend or make the other feel uncomfortable. And it is assumed that people get particularly uncomfortable if they have to refuse you. Cause, we the people tend to be quite hurt by refusals. So in Guess Culture you do the very best to guess whether the other might refuse you. If you asses that they are likely to say a “no”, the culture calls that you don’t even bother asking the question.

Let me introduce you to Guess Culture

When I read about this for the first time, I was dating a guy who was very much Ask Culture. He told me openly what he wanted, explained plainly what was unacceptable to him and asked me for all sorts of things. Now I am as Guess Culture as they come.

In my family, it was unthinkable to “offend someone” by asking directly for what you wanted. You had to find a polite way of kinda hinting. And you couldn’t express a “yes” directly either. Let me give you the example of an apple.

Let’s say you have an apple and I really want a bite (very likely as I love apples and happen to be eating one right now, hence my inspiration). I can’t just come out and ask you: “Hey, can I have a bite of your apple, please?”. If you don’t want to share your apple, you might have to refuse. Lord! What a huge blunder that would be! Unforgivable even. So I might go about it by saying something like: “”Wow, I really have been craving an apple since this morning”. Wink, wink.

Now it is your duty to take the hint or ignore it. If you ignore it, I get it, you don’t want to share your apple. I also feel refused and because this culture breeds very low tolerance for frustration. I might deduce that you are an ass and resent you for it. But at least I am relieved because I have not been the ass and made you uncomfortable.

Let’s say that you get the hint and offer me some apple. I am not just going to accept it. That would also be rude. It would reveal my shameless coveting for your apple. And worst of all *gasp* — it would reveal my desires, which is a vulnerability. It would give you a chance to frustrate me. So no, I will refuse. And etiquette dictates that you must insist once, twice, thrice, until I accept.

You might think that this is rare instance, but this is basically every single conversation about every single thing in the culture I come from. If you come from an Ask Culture, this might seem like the most absurd thing in the world. And trust me, after you leave that culture behind, it is so.

Guess Culture with Guess Culture makes for unhappy people too

And don’t you go thinking that when someone from Guess Culture meets someone else from Guess Culture things go well either. No they do not! Because the subtleties of this form of indirect communication are very regional. In the South of my country, where I come from, it is customary to refuse and insist at least 3 times in a row, before basically forcing the other to accept your offer.

“Have some cake!”

“No, thank you so much, but I don’t want any…”

“No, really, you must have some cake!”

“Oh, I am so full, I could not possible have any more cake!”

“Please, I insist, you must at least taste it!”

“I couldn’t. Maybe next time I’ll save some space for the cake as well.”

“No, really, you can have just a bite!” *shoves place with cake in your arms*

But in any other region, the unspoken rules might be different. There is no way of knowing exactly what you are supposed to do unless you carefully observe others. The chance of offending by trying to avoiding offence is quite high.

When the two cultures clash

When I met my partner at the time I was shocked. You remember, he was the one coming out of Ask Culture? I found him to be rude and too direct. I didn’t get why he didn’t get social cues. Was this guy some kind of psychopathic freak who didn’t care about other people’s feelings?

But slowly I started seeing the value in honesty and truth. It was like pulling teeth. He often wondered, as did I, why I wouldn’t just say what I wanted. For someone who had been taught to be direct and just say things, someone who does their best to just not offend can seem like they are just playing games. Their behaviour just seems weird and inconsistent.

But for me, the biggest take away was how these two cultures treat the individual. In Guess Culture my wants and needs are less important than preserving the social “dance”. And it also doesn’t train or respect one’s ability to stand up for oneself and put boundaries in place when they are necessary.

In Ask Culture the person is better trained at expressing themselves and their individuality. Do I want some apple? I will ask. I am training my ability to identify and express what I need. Do I want to not give you apple? I am training my resilience and the necessary ability to defend what is mine. Now this does not imply being completely ignorant of context and randomly asking people whatever, no matter the circumstances. But being exposed to this culture and learning how to shift towards it has been immensely helpful for me.

I have not just learnt how to get more of what I want because I ask for more of what I want. I have also learnt how to think about and articulate when I want a damn apple!

And, before I go, let me thank tangerine, the original poster of the comment about this social difference. Whoever you are and wherever you may be, thank you! You changed the way in which I see my world!